I want to talk about high school for a minute. I’m a really late bloomer. I’m talkin…I started going through puberty sometime during college. So, needless to say, I was not Kelly Kapowski in high school. I worked at McDonald’s and I think I asked for Barbie dolls for my fourteenth birthday. I was still doing third grade in high school. But NOW, when my peers are getting married and procreating and building up their 401(k) accounts, I’m still doing high school and I’m playing Kelly in an Off Broadway show. It’s like rewriting history. It’s miraculous, it’s transformative, it’s really, really funny and has taught me a lot about young womanhood and sexual relations.
The best part is, you can be a part of it! You can literally come see Bayside! The Musical! in New York City September 12th – December 28th and watch me be, for the first time, the popular and sexy and upsettingly not smart high school cheerleader who’s dating the coolest guy in school–fuckin’ Zack fuckin’ Morris!
Look at that! I’m wearing lipstick! I STILL don’t know how to apply lipstick! But I’m doing it, because I’m popular. Do you see the shirt I’m wearing? It’s not even technically a shirt. It’s just a breast covering. Because now that I’m approaching 30 years old, I HAVE BREASTS! SO I CAN PLAY A HIGH SCHOOLER!
This is inspirational stuff, people. And I desperately want to share it with you. Also, the show is hilarious and gross and fun and full of dancing and annoyingly catchy songs. And look how good looking the rest of the cast is! You can literally watch all of us sing and dance and very nearly have sex with each other in a fine theatrical establishment. And if you’re anything like me, you can relive high school and relive Saved by the Bell, only this time around, you can tell yourself whatever you want about your younger self.
Come see it. And if you do, make sure you get me to autograph a body part. I’ll include little hearts where my dots should go.